Not in His existence, but that God loved me, yes, for much of my life. Once, on retreat, we were asked to visualize God the Father. I burst into tears as I listened to others, because all I saw was a white bearded figure walking away, abandoning me. At the worst moment of my life, my young son’s death,  I had no reason to believe he was saved.  No one  could console me, because only Jesus knew the answer.  The day before his funeral, He brought the answer to me and poured out such unfathomable mercy and love on me, that I could never again doubt his very personal love for me. Jesus also reached into my heart and pulled out all the anger and unforgiveness I still held for Keenan’s father and filled that void with compassion and love—Calvary’s love.

I used to think Job was very sadistic tale about a very sadistic God. Now I understand, though not completely, that there are constant battles taking place for our souls in a realm we cannot comprehend. “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood … against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12-30.

Just before his passion, Jesus told his disciples "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 NIV I now see that my own journeys through trauma and injustice were not from a loving God, but the fallen world and it’s dark rulers. 

As a young child, it was my Sunday School teachers and elementary school teachers. Once Mom told me that when I was about five years old, I responded to something she had done or said by sweetly saying, “I will pray for you, Mommy.” She was so humbled. My elementary school teachers encouraged my love of reading, endless curiosity and imagination allowing me to believe the world was so much bigger than my little world. They challenged me academically and provided encouragement and positive feedback that I did not get at home. It was my safe space.

My mother came back to church when I was 16, through a major life-crisis. The profound change in her began to bring us close together. While I drifted away from church and faith Mom’s transformation was such a powerful witness to God’ existence that I started to look for Him again, just after my first son was born.

In fifth grade my school librarian wrote in my “autograph” book Proverbs 3:4-6. I don’t remember memorizing it, but it was etched on my heart. Often when things go wrong, I ask “Am I trusting God with my whole heart, or leaning on my own abilities and understanding?” Too often, it is the latter.

I wanted to be a nurse, like my Auntie Joan, or a teacher because they were real examples of gentleness and encouragement. I had never met an attorney. Daddy was an Air Force sergeant, so class lines did not cross between enlisted and officers families. It is still one of the most incredible small “m” miracles of my life that Abba Father would take this shy homemaker, in the midst of a divorce and lead her into law school. It was “Dorothy lands in OZ” in real time. God knew my abilities; I did not. He also knew that the “deprivations” of my childhood developed great perseverance in me.

Divorced with a 10 month old and 2 years old. I put my heart and soul into being the best mother and wife, feeling it to be the greatest privilege and sacred calling I could have. I devoured scripture and books on how to be a good Christian wife, expecting, without ever doubting, that God would surely change my husband into an Ephesians 5:25 man. After all God was omnipotent!

It was a brutal lesson that God can only change hearts which are willing to change—free will. But I also believe that He hears every cry of the Hagars who have been abused and abandoned and, if surrendered to Him He will provide in the desert years and for a future more than they could imagine.

How ironic that He would use my Jewish divorce attorney, the only attorney I had ever met, to recommend that I go to Law School with less than 2 years of college, no money and a 10 month old and a toddler. 

 The second was when I was diagnosed with Lymphoma two years into my legal career and madly in love. No cancer on either side of the family, did not do drugs, smoke, drink. Why me??And then my hero lost his Superman cape.

That was my Job year. During one of my chemotherapy treatments my Oncologist asked, “Where did you get this life? You have cancer and you are the only one in your world who is functioning fully? I have never seen so many bad things happen to a patient, Diana.” I said, “I don’t know. I am just playing the hand I was given”. Even Mom said, “You must have some unconfessed sin. No one could have this many things happen”. I told her I would be happy to stop sinning if God would let me know what that was!!

But with all the awful things that happened that year and finally being too sick to take care of my boys aged 6 and 8, there were blessings. The greatest thing came when I was ready to never step foot into a church again, due to some very calloused pastoral care. God sent Pastor Jim of Church on the Way to teach me that this was spiritual warfare, and Satan was not telling his minions to just let up on me, because I was a single mother and fighting for my life. He said, “Satan wants to kill you, physically and mostly destroy your faith in God.” When he read "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."1Pet. 5:8 I felt I finally understood what I always had felt, there was some invisible force attacking my life and now I learned that there was a way to fight back.

I had never known those scriptures, but it changed how I viewed my past troubles, my present and gave me hope for the future.”

Historically: Helen Keller and her teacher Annie Sullivan, Mother Cabrini and Florence Nightingale. In my own life, my mother and mother-in-law, Mansoreh Pazirandeh. One crippled from polio and the other a paraplegic. Both lived very challenged lives and had no power to change much. In them I saw the example of “long suffering” -- daily suffering, physically and emotionally, but always on their lips was gratitudeto God.

When I gave Mansoreh a copy of Joni Erikson Tada’s book, Joni, she said, “Diana do you know how lucky I am? One more disc and I would be like Joni, unable to use my arms.”

One of my earliest memories of Mom was her scooting on her rear, legs stretched before her while waxing the hardwood floors by hand. She never complained—well sometimes about endless Hawaiian red dirt that we three were tracked into the house daily. Ha! Ha! And when life was tough with Daddy she would say, “He never left me when I had polio. He has never been embarrassed by my crutches and these ugly braces.” 

 Neither had much control over their own lives, but in their dependance on God, they became spiritual giants and the spiritual “glue” that held their families together by cords of their love. Mom was the constant prayer warrior who received my calls of despair and shock. She never quit praying, and like a bucket of cold water in my face, always admonished me not to blame God, but to trust Him and not lose hope.

My mother in law, Mansoreh, a devout Muslim, was one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known. Confined to a bed and wheelchair she lived a life of prayer and gratitude. I asked her about her two years of hospitalization, children being sent from Iran to school in the US, her husband getting a second wife. She said, “Oh, Diana, I knew I had to become very close to God, or I would be a bitter woman.” Eventually she became a Christian, died Roman Catholic. 

Historically: Dr. Thomas Sowell, Martin Luther King and our Founding Fathers. Personally, oh, of course, that extraordinary ordinary man, Lawrence W Taylor—someone should write a book about him!

Ask yourself, if today you had a cancer diagnosis or knew you would die in an auto accident next year, what would you priorities be? Who would you spend those days with? Fortunately, these days it is not a binary choice, because of the opportunities for women to work from home and opportunity to pursue a career at any age. Ask God!

READING, sewing, typing, swimming, and READING.

That cross-examination is the great engine of truth.

My life experiences were an important part of being able to settle cases and understanding the pain both sides were experiencing.

There are not enough judges and prisons to keep us safe, if citizens no longer believe that God is the arbiter of right and wrong, otherwise each person will then do whatever they feel is right in their own eyes and justified by their own desires.

That what you know that you don’t know can be risk assessed, but what you don’t know that you don’t know cannot and that can really hurt you.

Suffering is the Refiner’s fire.

Gardening, singing, hiking with my dog, Beau. Men carrying their babies and little ones. The company of people who can laugh at themselves.